Soulvolution

Exactly one year ago at this time I was unable to get off my couch or bed because of a spontaneous cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) leak that had me feeling like I was hit in the back of the head with a baseball bat every time I stood up. A spontaneous CSF leak is just what it sounds like: my CSF had mysteriously come under too much pressure, and the “sack” that contains it had ruptured, allowing the fluid to leak into the rest of my body, which absorbed it easily, but which resulted in a shortage of fluid around my brain and spine, hence a horrific headache when I stood up. It lasted 3 weeks, during which time I understood in my bones that this event was a kind of initiation. I didn’t know what it meant, but I knew it was my soul talking to me. 3 months later I left my job, apartment, car and everything I knew for the wild unknown of an international nomadic lifestyle.

First, a geek out moment about cerebrospinal fluid (CSF)….it is the enigmatic liquid that our brains and spinal columns bathe in. It also forms a pool in the center of our brains which touches almost every system of the brain, and is nestled in the third ventricle, pineal gland area. It has the highest concentration of DMT in the body, and is believed to be a neurotransmitter, only somehow without syntaxes - a mystery - amazing! Some believe that partnering with and understanding more fully the role of CSF is actually the evolution of health and wellness. CSF is considered by many spirituality scientists to be what stores and conveys life force energy, also known as prana, kundalini, eros, etc.. Ancient eastern religions referred to the pool of CSF in the center of the brain as the Crystal Palace, The Cave of Brahma, and The Seat of The Soul. In my case, this fluid was mysteriously under too much pressure somewhere in my spine or brain, so it leaked. See what I’m saying? SO.

So. As initiations go, the last nine months have been HARD. It’s been intense at times and I have almost constantly felt like I was a fish out of water (not a comfortable feeling for a Pisces), flopping and gasping for air in an environment that isn’t my own. And though there has also been a lot of beauty, adventure and fun, it’s been deeply uncomfortable a large part of the time. A feeling of restlessness, knowing there was so much inside me that wanted to come out, wanted to express, and yet I felt shut down, silenced from somewhere no one else could reach. Watching my neurosis, neediness, loneliness, and most of all, my desperation for freedom was painful and humbling.  And freedom seemed to be the point. My life force, my soul, felt trapped inside me, and I wanted to feel free. Free on a soul level. I ventured out to find that freedom outside myself. But freedom is an inside job, and though I *knew* that, I didn’t yet understand it. And giving myself so much (relative) external freedom shoved that desolate fact right in my face - wham! Careful what you ask for!

My soul. I have been in hot pursuit of this little tiger for several years now, but she is a slippery sucker, and I am really good at hiding and playing small. We had been in communication, she and I, friends even, but we were like those lovers is romance movies who are MEANT to be together from the beginning of the movie, you just know it, but they find ways of avoiding each other for another 2 hours until that delicious moment of grace at the end when they finally surrender to the love and kiss each other passionately. And, as the audience, you can kinda see that they actually needed that time to be ready for each other, even though they don’t know this about themselves. Yeah, kinda like that.

So I persisted. I didn’t know what to do (I never do), so I prayed (I always do), and I wrote, and I dedicated myself to patience and observation. I did the most loving thing I could muster for myself and held (sometimes desperately) to the belief that there was a point to my confusion and restlessness, that this leak in my life force wanted to repair itself so that my soul could have a home and express herself. I came out here for my own reparations and evolution. I came because my soul was calling me, and I could no longer ignore her. I came for a Soulvolution.

And, just like in romance movies, we eventually made our way back to each other. Slowly, sometimes shyly and with trepidation and at other times with great passion and force, we began to recognize in each other that THING. That essence that is only me. Only you. And we knew (as the audience already knew, and had been shouting to us from their rows of popcorn smeared chairs) that there was no other choice, we were meant for each other. With the force of the universe behind us, we BELONGED together! Why had I been resisting this reunion? Why do we run from and separate from our own soul? (Well, actually, I have a lot to say about this, but that’s another blog.)

And so, as the new year broke open, so did my heart and soul. By the grace of Life, I could suddenly see some coherence and intelligence to my path and wanderings. With my soul returned to me with gusto, inspiration and love, I began to feel whole, ALIVE, and … FREE.  Wow. Freedom IS an inside job. And surrendering to the path my own soul is coaxing me down is not the grand project I thought it would be, but more of a clumsy stumble upon all the things I ever wanted. When I follow. Right. WHEN I FOLLOW HER.

My soul’s main message to me is that it’s time to transition from the ME project, to the WE project.  It’s been needed, this Me project time, just like in the romance movie - we all need to figure some shit out before we are actually ready to be with Love, right? So, all good. And now … humanity. US. There’s no possibility to play small anymore, to hide or waste time. I love us. I love humanity, and I believe in our potential. I love this planet, and I believe in her wisdom. I love this universe, and I believe in the fabric of love that created it. 

In order for each of us to take our seat, our stand, our action or our art, we MUST be in congruence with our souls. We must take that journey into re-union with our most intimate love. Our souls are what infuse us with our passion and the wisdom to know what our calling is as it evolves and changes. It’s TIME to come out from behind the curtain, from the prisons we hold our souls hostage in. Because, if you don’t give us you, who will? 

This is what my CSF leak was trying to tell me a year ago: you can no longer hide what you have to give. And neither can YOU. My new and shiny website is in the making as we speak, and I am developing a couple of online courses to help you come into congruence with the deepest of mysteries: your soul. Because it’s an art form, this listening to the song of your soul. It’s romantic, intimate, wild and totally unexpected. It’s a revolution of the soul, a reclaiming of your evolution. So, let’s take the hand of our own essence, give ourselves to this life and welcome the Soulvolution.