The Yes in our No's

Every one of my clients, and almost everyone I know is grappling with all that this new and potent energy around female sexuality, rape culture and the demise of the patriarchy is bringing up for them. And more and more, my courage to to name this for what it is is getting louder and stronger. Friends, this is EVERYTHING. Take a moment and try to fathom (and you won’t be able to, but it’s so worth the imagining) what the world would be like if women felt safe. Seriously. Besides outrageously good sex going on all the time, and creativity and productivity going through the roof, we would also have an entirely new paradigm of thought and innovation that could contribute to solving the myriad of devastating issues facing humanity and our planet at this time. Einstein’s famous quote about not being able to solve the problem using the same kind of thinking that created it comes to mind here. What the world is desperate for is a new perspective from which to view this calamity in order to solve it. All that is stirred up with the #metoo movement is that antidote. We are all victims of the patriarchy we have created, and we all have the responsibility to un-victimize ourselves, both as perpetrator (we are all perpetrators in some sense) and victim (we are all victims in some way).

And it begins with our NO’s, women. I have been noticing as I observe my male friends (big over generalization here, but go with me - it’s a dynamic I am naming, not the gender specifically) interacting with the world, and reacting to this shift, that their no’s come easily and with authority and even a sense of entitlement to stating their desire and/or lack of desire. And, an obliviousness with regard to how that may not be true for some of us. And even a confusion about why we are not saying no when that’s what we actually feel. Like, huh? Duh, just say no! But it’s not always like that, is it Women? It’s not part of who we have learned to be… yet. 

Which brings me to the YES part. Every time we practice saying NO, inside it is a deep and resounding YES for something else. Can you feel it? This is the sacred NO. The no that stands for the YES; that calls out, in love, that which MUST come to light. I think of a mother saying NO for her child. This is one NO that women know very well. And we are our own children, and we need that same NO for ourselves. Now. This NO is for you, for us, for the world, and even if we do it badly (and we will), it’s the practicing that is essential. This NO that is also a deep YES for ourselves, for mother earth, for creativity, for gentleness, community and compassion is the YES that will save the world.

And a note about the NO: it’s messy at the beginning of these shifts, and we may be aggressive and overly blame-y in our NO’s at first. We may not yet know how to say the NO with a resounding YES inside of it yet. It may be a frenetic, reactionary no!!! that is still part of our survival mode. That’s ok, we can forgive each other and ourselves. Be patient. Know that this practicing is like any learning of a new skill, and will improve over time. 

It is our responsibility to learn to say this NO. This does not, in any way, excuse perpetrating behavior, but it is also our sacred duty. We are the other side of this coin. I can remember so many times in my life when I wanted to say no, knew I should say no, didn’t, and then blamed another. Innocently, in my quest for my own sovereignty and power. Un-victimizing ourselves is the key to our freedom, and the saving of the world. Over stated? In this case, I think not. This is BIG. The biggest. Get on board, find the sacred NO inside you that is a resounding YES for all our freedom, and SPEAK it.